This post is part of Mashable’s Masturbation Week. May is National Masturbation Month, so we’re celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.
Look, we’ve all been there. Sometimes, the need to pleasure yourself overrides all common sense and you’re left with an incredibly embarrassing — though hopefully very entertaining — story to share to millions of strangers on the internet.
Here are our ten favorite stories of masturbation gone wrong from the depths of Reddit. Hopefully you can’t relate to any of the horrors below.
1. A piping hot cucumber fleshlight
Reddit user NaquadahEOD said:
“This story isn’t quite as funny as some of yours, but… One time, when I was about 12 or 13, I had the sweet idea of taking the seeds out of a cucumber, putting it in the microwave, and humping it. I was super excited about my new cucumber fleshlight. I start humping, but instead of pleasure, I felt burning. I put the cucumber in the microwave for too long. I had blisters on my shaft for several days. They were excruciating. Let me tell ya.. Gym class was a new level of hell for me.”
2. An embarassing parent encounter
Reddit user pizz901 shared the horrific tale:
I have epilepsy. One night I was going at it in my bed and lo and behold I have a seizure. So naturally my parents hear something and have to come in to me seizing on the bed dick out porn on the computer. Very embarrassing to have to find out from them (since I lose a bit of memory of the event and am unconscious during it). All I can say is it must have been one hell of an orgasm to make me seize (more than the usual jerky cumming movements anyway).
3. That’s a spicy kielbasa!
This story comes from Reddit user funny-chubby-awesome:
“My high school best friend, let’s call her Hillary, approached me about masturbation. I was the expert on sex, as I had a bf and had gone down on him 1.5 times. I told her my technique (rub it ’til it feels good, don’t stop) and she showed me that month’s Cosmo. Find your best O ever – the G-spot. We read the article and she tells me she had tried with her fingers to no avail. We decide it needs to be stimulated with something more penis-like. We (mind you, we are VERY experimental 16 year old girls) decide to try it with hot-dogs that night at my house.
She comes over, I go to the fridge and find we only have SPICY KIELBASA! I show her and we decide to still try but cover them in condoms. We sit on my futon, slide our pants/undies down, throw a blanket over our laps… I remember thinking, “Am I sure I want to do this?”, but I hear her, like, moaning so I….plunge ahead. IT HURTS! And it’s like burning and I feel weird. At that moment my mother BURSTS in (drunk) and starts screaming at us! She insists we’re doing drugs and questions the blanket over us. I finally convince her to leave and remove the sausage. Hillary hands me hers and I go to throw them in the wastebasket. That’s the last thing I remember.
Hillary says I passed out and she got my mother. They called an ambulance and the EMT was grilling Hillary about what we were doing. I wasn’t breathing. My mom started ranting about drugs and Hillary panicked and told them what was going on…. I wake up in the hospital to: my father (can’t look at me), my mother (can’t stop laughing), Hillary (in the corner, beet red), and a doctor explaining that I have a latex allergy and had broke my hyman, causing anaphylactic shock.
TL;DR: I masturbated with a condom-covered hot dog and nearly died. And my whole family found out.”
4. Beware of grandmothers
Redditor Fapfapthrowaway5573 shared a horrifying tale featuring a grandma and a knife:
One time [my grandma] was staying at my house in the downstairs bedroom. My room is upstairs and the first one at the top of the stairs. I had no lights on or anything (this was before I discovered porn) and I was doing the deed. Well, my door creaks open, but for some reason I didn’t think anything of it. I thought I saw a figure but I thought it was my imagination. Well, I keep doing the deed and someone shuffles in and slowly is walking around my room. I realize what is happening and I stop, only to look closer at the figure and she is HOLDING A FUCKING KNIFE. I just stay still and she leaves the same way she came but holy shit it was weird.
Tl;Dr: was masturbating in dark room when my sociopathic grandma walks in with a knife, makes a circle in my room then walks out.
5. Stay away from poison ivy
A now-deleted Reddit account posted this nightmare of a masturbation story:
One time I had poison ivy but before I even realized it, I had masturbated. I woke up and my eyes were swollen shut and my vagina was covered in poison ivy. It itched so fucking bad I took a hairbrush and just went to town. You ever see those pornos where they pump the vagina up and make it all big and puffy? THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TO MINE after scratching with a hairbrush for so long. It was disturbing and I never tell this story in real life.
6. Always check your surroundings
Komodokid on Reddit learned the hard way to always check your surroundings:
13 yrs old in a beach town on the Mozambican coast, middle of nowhere. No tourists, not a soul, just miles of beach. I walk 30 mins down the shore for some alone time, climb up a sand dune and sit down to start my business facing the epic horizon.
5 mins in I hear someone snigger behind me.
About 30 people from the local village, mostly teens but also women and kids, are standing in a group just staring at me. All burst into peals of laughter when they see my face. I just bolt, trying to outrun the shame, but the village kids are running alongside up on the dunes, and they have no trouble keeping pace, just pissing themselves laughing and doing wank gestures.
Always check your surroundings.
7. Keep all animals out of the room
An anonymous user on Tumblr shared this scarring story:
I was masturbating under my sheets once and my cat was in the room, I was watching porn not paying attention and next thing I feel is claws being dug into my cock, she thought I was playing a game because the sheet kept bouncing, couldn’t masturbate for a week.
8. Drink water, folks
Beatenpear shared a traumatizing memory on Reddit:
Back when I was like, 13 or 14, my bedroom used to be right across the hall from the bathroom, with my parent’s room at the far end of the hall. I would often play a little five on one late at night and then quietly walk across the hall to the bathroom to clean up. So here’s where it gets interesting, at some point at that age I was having a reoccurring problem where when I stood up I would get really light headed. (I think it was because of dehydration?) so one night at about one in the morning I started to rub one out and everything went exactly as planned until I went to clean up.
So I stood up to start my journey to the bathroom while using my phone screen as a flashlight. First step went fine, but by the second step I started to get light headed. My vision started to go black but I was halfway to the bathroom and covered in ejaculate so I made the decision to try and make it to the bathroom and then try and get my bearings back. As it turned out, that was the wrong decision. By the time I made it through the door of the bathroom my vision had gone completely black and I started to pass out and fall. I was only out for about a second, reason being I came back to conciseness when my head made contact with the toilet mid fall.
So there I was, lying on the floor of my bathroom in the middle of the night in the dark, covered in cum with my dick out, slowly coming back to conciseness when I heard my mom on the other side of the open doorway ask if I was alright. Apparently the sound of my head slamming against the toilet woke her up. All I could do was speak out a “uh… yeah…” and close the door with my foot so she didn’t have to witness the disappointing sight that lied in front of her. A couple minutes passed and I was finally able to get up get back to normal.
So yeah, after that I started to drink a lot more water and be more cautious of my surroundings when I chose to “distribute some free literature”.
9. A not-so-happy birthday
Reddit user CultofMourning’s birthday started horribly:
Woke up early on my 19th birthday and decided to pass the time with my favorite dildo. I’m under the covers, enjoying myself, when my mother busts through my bedroom door to sing me happy birthday. I moved my hands away from my genitals and just laid there while my mom sang. The lower half of my body was covered so she didn’t realize I still had the toy inside me. The whole time I’m thinking to myself, “please leave”.
Just…be careful out there, folks. Check your surroundings, use actual tools instead of cucumber, and learn from these people’s mistakes!
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